I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize