My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize