He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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