Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
