Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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