By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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