Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
