I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize