I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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