My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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