Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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