I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
sarcasm needs its own font
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
