Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
