My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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