if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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