I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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