My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
