The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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