I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
