Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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