wanna go halves on a baby?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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