college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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