I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
