I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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