So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
