Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
