also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When are your genitals available?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
