you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
