Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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