why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
