HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
