'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
