I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize