does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize