Got a toothbrush?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My cat gives me a boner
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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