my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
