You can't special order awesome
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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