I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
