You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize