I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
