I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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