never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize