Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
