So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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