I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
