i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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