Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
