I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
