Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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