U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
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