gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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