I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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