Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
