I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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