My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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