I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
