The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
