remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
