this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize