Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
