Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
