who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
