is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I party with great urgency now.
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